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08 October 2012 @ 04:54 pm
Anxiety. I now understand that it comes to me even when I don't have any reason for it at all, yet I have this big and heavy thing inside of me, making me tired everyday. I hate going to school, I hate being there, everything we do makes me feel stressed out and there is not one single night when I don't think "should I skip tomorrow?"
I really need to drag myself to the welfare officer on friday, I've been thinking that for weeks, and I've been really close many times, but it's just too hard to say it. "I need an appointment" or "I need to talk". God knows what I will actually say when I'm there, I don't even know what I feel, because I feel nothing. I keep telling myself "it's not important, nothing of it is important, I'm such a fool for thinking that I need this" but then I do. I keep coming back to "You tell yourself that you don't need it, when it's always the other way around." That is when you mostly need it. It's like my mind is fighting against itself, telling me that it's all bullshit, that I my anxiety and stress is worthless and lame, why bother when It can be so so much worse. 
24 September 2012 @ 06:57 pm

so tired, exhausted, drained. have i got a reason? no, maybe. I want to sleep. I don't want to grow up and have responsibilities, i don't want to pay any bills and deal with money or anything else. and i have always been responsible, i've been too responsible all of my life. why am i not reckless? and carefree? why do i fee like this now? i just want to get over school and move on, because school is fucking terrible, there isn't a single day that i question my choie of going, i want to stay home for days and just sleep.
18 September 2012 @ 11:02 pm
I feel bad, so bad. Nothing have changed and i feel so so bad.

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07 August 2012 @ 11:25 pm
ahh i love this video & song! the typography is amazing, aahh amanda palmer!! music really helps me, at the moment emilie's f.l.a.g is my new obsession, the songs makes me feel so...home, and safe. maybe it's because i listened to her such a long time ago and i feel like her music have just been with me. I think i finally understand her lyrics, because, songs like "gothic lolita" as an example would perhaps be hard to really understand for a 13/14 year old. listening to first enchant, then opheliac and now f.l.a.g, is like going on an epic journey. Songs like "one foot in front of the other" really gets to me, i don't feel alone nor clueless about what i am going to do with myself, i am desperate in a change and long to find it.
             I adore this woman, and everything she stands for.

15 July 2012 @ 12:17 am
Hello, I'm finally home. Meeting my friends was amazing and fun but I still have trouble with my breathing. I feel drained.

Got a letter from my school that said that we could sign up for practice this year again, for 2 weeks this time, but alas! we still have to find it ourselves. Do they even have to torment me when I'm on my break from school? No, scratch that, when I'm recovering from school. I'm not doing that, fuck it. It's not worth it.
Current Mood: tiredtired
12 June 2012 @ 07:19 pm
I feel melancholic. The anxiety is mostly gone, I feel fantastic, but then there is this melancholic feeling that keeps coming back to me. I don't have anything left to blame, school is over and I have time to rest. I'm happy, but empty. Emptiness has returned to me, from being filled with anxiety and sadness and frustration..to nothingness. I feel like I'm lacking something constantly, and that I need to prove something.

I will try to use this journal as a place to let my emotions out. Expose them. I'm not good at it, I feel so ashamed of these feelings most of the time. But I'm going to change that now, holding everything inside makes me rot. Since the weeks around the fashion show I noticed that when I'm done rotting on the inside, it begins to show on my face and body, everything begins to break down, piece by piece. Why is it so hard to tell people how I feel? Why can't I just say the words? Why do I think that it's not important?
04 June 2012 @ 10:55 pm
And after a couple of very stressful weeks of constant anxiety, breathing problems and dizziness the fashion show project finally came to an end. it was quite a catastrophic event and didn't go as planned at all, but nonetheless we are pleased with our hard work and realize that we couldn't do anything else to change the situation. I did end up almost fainting during the day, I didn't cry once, but I was at the breaking point of breaking down at the beginning of the day, after everything was over, I just went home and cried for a great while, It was well needed.

I realize that at least half of the stress and anxiety is completely gone, I have less of those dizziness attacks and I can finally breathe. Boy, was that a hard task, glad that it's over and i never want to do it ever again. Now I only have 2-3 school related work-things to do, and then I'm free! And I survived! BLISS.

I can't wait for UC, and I can't wait to meet my friends and then directly go to Härnösand and live in my grandmothers little cottage in the woods and just be. There won't be any cars or traffic lights or running to busses. Just us, the lake and the summer breeze.
     oh and as you might now, during all of this chaos with life and me I found it extremely relaxing to watch tons and tons of Avatar episodes, so I kinda watched everything of that, and have now moved onto Korra. Best.decision.ever.     

Current Mood: accomplished
08 May 2012 @ 10:15 pm

This game makes me feel so many emotions. I feel like I could just cry, either out of joy or sadness just by watching this gif. It holds so many dear memories to me, the time in my life where i played it was the best time. The graphics, design, music and not to mention the story. This game made me bond with several friends that I still to this day have very close relationships with.

I really don't know how to express my feelings with this game other than simply saying that's it's one of the most amazing games i've ever played.

04 May 2012 @ 05:06 pm

Today is the "fashion night" in malmö. I don't know what it is but it seems to be some kind of event all over town with sales. If I now didn't have the "hermit" gene and was an active little social butterfly (which I can be, sometimes!) I would probably go. But I really don't have energy for anything, so I'm staying here. I often think about how Charlie in the perks of being a wallflower was told to "participate" more, and it makes me feel guilty. I would participate tonight, but no. I really don't feel like doing anything. All I want is chips, chocolate and to read cotk.
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19 April 2012 @ 09:09 pm
I should really start posting here often but oh I mainly use lj looking for icons, news and such. I am really stressed out at the moment and it's tearing me apart and I don't like it, when will may ever be a calm month? I feel like my insides are rotting.
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Current Mood: stressedstressed